Cabin Fever
by SnarkWrangler
Summary: A weeklong vacation and a road trip up California. Relaxing, right? SasuNaruSasu and others, all dialogue, gift fic.
1. Chapter 1

Note: Written belatedly for a friend. I thought I'd share it despite its contrived aspects and clichéd existence.

I do not own any of these characters or their opinions. They belong to the great master Kishimoto, and their opinions manifested out of the abyss.

Warnings: Innuendo. General badness. Crack. TPW (time passes weird).

(AU, OOC, blah blah blah)

Happy Birthday, Yanni! My oven's broken, so please accept this pathetic fake-cake. Aishiteiru.

Cabin Fever

Naruto: Perfection!

Kiba: What a mess.

Naruto: Don't dis the packing job.

Kiba: We're not gonna fit in there. Where is Akamaru s'posed to sit?

Naruto: On top. And sure we ar – hey, Sasuke! What're you - ? Hey! Don't touch that!

Sasuke: I'm fixing it.

Naruto: What? Don't! I spent _hours_ fitting everything in!

Sasuke: And you forgot the food.

Naruto: No, the cooler is at the bottom.

Sasuke: Empty.

Naruto: Shit.

--blah--

Naruto: My packing job was better.

Sasuke: Shut up, idiot.

Naruto: It's really cramped back here.

Sasuke: Boo-fucking-hoo.

Naruto: If we'd left it _my_ way – argh! Back, Akamaru! Kiba, help! He's smothering me!

Kiba: Just push him.

Naruto: He's fucking bigger than I am. _You_ push him!

Kiba: So Sasuke, think we should leave him to die?

Sasuke: Yes, let's.

Naruto: What? Traitors! All this way and I'm going to die _here_, under your _dog!_

Kiba: Naruto, we just left the driveway.

Naruto: Even worse!

Kiba: Fine. When we stop for burritos we'll switch seats. Sasuke, you don't mind driving?

Sasuke: Hn.

Naruto: Hey, I can drive.

Kiba: I thought you were suffocating.

Naruto: I am.

Kiba: Do it quieter.

Naruto: Fuck you. Why burritos?

Kiba: Because I said so. And it's on the way.

Naruto: Fine, I guess that's good. I'm starving, and Sakura said she was hungry.

Kiba: When did you talk to Sakura?

Naruto: While Mister Pearl of Wisdom here was playing Jenga with the bags. She called to say tryouts were over.

Kiba: And you never thought to mention it? She's going to be pissed we took so long.

Sasuke: It's not like we could have left without the food.

Naruto: Oh, we're here! Carne! Carne, please! I want it big and fat and juicy.

Sasuke: You want me to give it to you?

Naruto: No, I'll give it to _you_.

Kiba: Guys? Burritos, please?

Naruto: Right. Sakura wanted chicken, grilled, extra salsa.

Kiba: And I'll have the same as Naruto… without innuendo.

Naruto: You know, I don't think he even heard you.

Kiba: Balls.

Naruto: So how do we do this?

Kiba: Hmm?

Naruto: The seat-swap. Now that the caveman is off hunting and shotgun is mine, how do I get there without Akamaru running off into the street and killing himself?

Kiba: Um, you can just open your door. He's smart enough not to jump into traffic.

Naruto: Yeah right. I can't even _reach_ the door under all this hairy flab.

Kiba: Well, sucks to be you then.

Naruto: Kiba!

Kiba: Fine. Akamaru, c'mere boy.

Naruto: Ugh, finally. Circulation is returning to my thighs. Ew, Sasuke's seat is still warm.

Kiba: Too much info, man. And that's creepy. Hey Akamaru, scoot over a little, I'm coming back there.

Naruto: Oh, hey Sasuke, that was fast. Did you know your ass is really hot?

Sasuke: Glad you finally noticed, idiot.

Naruto: Huh?

Sasuke: Yours and yours.

Kiba: Thanks, man.

Naruto: I think I'll hold out a while.

Sasuke: You said you were starving.

Naruto: Well, wouldn't it be nice for somebody to wait and eat with Sakura?

Sasuke: No.

Kiba: Just dig in. I can hear your stomach from here.

Naruto: Hey, say it don't spray it.

Kiba: Oh _fuck_ this tastes _amazing_.

Sasuke: Mm.

Naruto: You guys can stop with the foodgasm noises. I said cut it out!

Kiba: You know you want it, Naruto.

Naruto: Stop tempting me! You guys are horrible. I'll pee on your graves!

Kiba: … So it tastes good then?

Naruto: Oh god _yes._

--blah--

Naruto: Hey, wasn't that the school? You passed it.

Sasuke: She's in the gym.

Naruto: So?

Sasuke: In the back.

Naruto: Well I knew _that_.

Kiba: There she is. I'm letting Akamaru out. I'll be right back.

Naruto: I don't see her.

Sasuke: She's talking to someone. Probably the JV coach.

Naruto. Oh. _Oho_, I see how it is. A blooming, scandalous sexcapade!

Sasuke: He's not her type.

Naruto: You're just jealous.

Sasuke: Oh, totally.

Naruto: … Please don't ever say that again.

Sasuke: Hn.

Naruto: So? What's he look like?

Sasuke: I'd say he's about twenty-five, still lives with his mom, and is _rotund._

Naruto: Oh baby. Let's pick him up. I want that in _my_ sleeping bag tonight.

Sasuke: Shut up, Naruto.

Naruto: No way! I'm planning my dramaful threesome.

Sasuke: Shut up or I'll make you.

Naruto: Ooh, make me, make me!

Sakura: Am I walking in on something here?

Naruto: Hey, Sakura! How were tryouts?

Sakura: Good. It looks like we've got strong players on varsity. How are you, Sasuke?

Sasuke: Vengeful.

Naruto: Well, what else is new. Was that the JV coach you were just talking to?

Sakura: Yeah, he's a bit of a creep.

Naruto: … Kinky.

Sakura: Ew, I hope not.

Kiba: Hey Sakura, what's up?

Sakura: Not much. Where were you?

Kiba: Over there. Akamaru had to take a dump.

Naruto: You mean _you_ had to take a dump.

Kiba: No, and don't say shit like that! Sakura might believe you.

Sasuke: I'm starting the car. Get in or get lost.

Kiba: Okay, okay, geez. Sorry it's so crowded. Why don't you crawl in and I'll squish your bag in the back.

Sakura: Thanks.

Naruto: Watch out for Akamaru, he's a bladder-crusher.

Kiba: I _told_ you to quit talking shit, Naruto. He'll be in the back, don't worry.

Sakura: I'm not worried. My tampons are premium quality. … Kiba, are you alright?

Naruto: I don't think he's breathing.

Sakura: Oh, well. Is that my burrito?

--blah--

Naruto: So where are we going, anyway?

Kiba: Wait, you seriously don't know?

Naruto: Well I know it's up north. Somewhere. Someplace. In Oregon, maybe.

Sakura: Naruto, we've been planning this trip for weeks!

Naruto: Yeah? So?

Kiba: So study the map, 'cause you're in the navigator's seat.

Naruto: Why can't you or Sakura navigate?

Kiba: We're squished in the back with the gear. Or would you like a lapful of Akamaru?

Naruto: I'll give you a fistful of shut up, that's what _you'll_ get. Fine. Gimme the damn map.

Sakura: … Did we even buy one?

Kiba: Sasuke? You did the shopping.

Sasuke: It's not like it was on the dumbass list.

Naruto: Well, I guess I won't be able to do any navigating.

Sakura: Don't get too happy, Naruto. We'll just pick one up on the way.

Naruto: But it would be so troublesome to stop just for a map.

Sakura: We'll need gas anyway.

Naruto: Aww…

--blah--

Sasuke: Roll up the window. You're making the car rattle.

Sakura: Is a little fresh air really too much to ask for?

Sasuke: I'm driving. It's obnoxious.

Sakura: Kiba isn't wearing deodorant. It stinks.

Kiba: Hey!

Naruto: Keep it open, Sakura. I think I'm starting to smell it, too.

Sasuke: Stay out of this, Naruto.

Naruto: Remember that time on the way to the aquarium? With the broken air conditioning?

Sasuke: …

Kiba: That was _one time – _

Naruto: … all smashed together in the back…

Sasuke: …

Kiba: Don't open your window, too!

Naruto: I knew you'd see it my way. Freshman year, baby. Freshman year.

--blah--

Naruto: Why are we stopping? Are we there already?

Sasuke: Gas, Naruto. We're going to Humboldt county.

Naruto: So? Fuck you, it's not like I know where that is.

Kiba: Well, it's not in suburban Los Gatos, that's for sure.

Sakura: We're stopping in Santa Rosa first, though, right?

Kiba: Yeah, for Shino.

Sasuke: Humboldt is above San Francisco.

Naruto: Well, that's not very far.

Sasuke: It's farther north than Marin.

Naruto: Holy shit, there's a _north_ of _Marin?_

Kiba: Sometimes, when I meet people who can't see beyond their own provincial little worlds it punches holes in my American pride. Like, fuck, how could we _be_ so _ignorant?_

Sasuke: It's called Northern California, Naruto. Then Oregon, Washington and Canada.

Naruto: Oh, yeah! I forgot about those.

Sasuke: Naruto, you're embarrassing those of us who passed third grade.

Naruto: So what if I don't know all the states?

Sakura: Kiba, it's okay. I don't think he means it –

Kiba: _Please_ say you know that Canada is a country.

Naruto: Canada, eh?

Kiba: Oh, _so_ not funny.

--blah--

Naruto: Whoa, Sakura, was that a sneeze?

Sakura: Yeah, sorry. I think I'm allergic to the Silicon Valley.

Naruto: Oh, I totally feel ya. Hell, I used to commute here for _work_.

Sakura: … I meant the _pollen_, Naruto. I've got _allergies._

Naruto: Well, you could have been sensing the overworked, overstressed vibe. I know it makes _me_ sneeze.

Sakura: … Don't you and Kiba both live with _Sasuke?_

Naruto: Yeah, but that's just one person. Here it's like a whole cannibal _tribe_ of workaholics. It wreaks havoc on me.

Sakura: Or maybe it's the _pollen._

Naruto: Nah, that would be too boring.

A/N: This is the first installment of many. Number two is already written and I'll update it next week. Urgh, I hope someone finds this mess enjoyable. Thanks for reading.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: I actually did die. I was killed earlier in the semester by overwork. It came as a rather unpleasant shock to the system and I've been artistically out of commission for a while now. I'm a bit better - I lightened my course load and cut back majorly on one of my jobs, but I'm still functioning hand-to-mouth at the moment, so I probably won't be updating for a while. The reason I'm able to post this chapter is because I actually finished it months ago... right when I said I would, actually. Only, I forgot about it and it's been sitting on my hard drive for a while. Whoops.

Chapter 2

Naruto: Why's he taking so long?

Sakura: Shino's programming his Blackberry so he can receive emails through a satellite phone.

Naruto: May I ask _why?_

Sakura: Ask him. Should I get green or pink?

Naruto: Nailpolish is toxic. Get orange or something.

Sakura: I'll do both. Can I paint your nails?

Naruto: No.

Sakura: Please? Tolerance is a manly strength.

Naruto: I don't believe you. How much longer?

Sakura: Long enough for a manicure.

Naruto: Stop saying that!

Sakura: We're in a dollar store! Polish is cheap! Ha, look, curlers. I didn't know they still made these.

Naruto: Ew, Sakura, gross.

Kiba: Hey guys, ready to go?

Naruto: Think you got enough beer there?

Kiba: For a couple days.

Naruto: Or a couple years?

Sakura: I hope you're not expecting to fit all that in the car.

Kiba: … balls.

Sakura: Did you know that tolerance is a manly strength?

Kiba: What does that have to do with anything?

Sakura: Can I paint your nails?

---

Naruto: It'll only take an hour or so, you said. This'll be _quick_, you said.

Sakura: I think you should drop it –

Naruto: _Three hours_ isn't fucking _quick!_ What the hell were you guys _doing?_

Sasuke: I don't want to talk about it.

Shino: The Blackberry and satellite phones are synched now.

Kiba: Whatever guys, just get in the car.

Naruto: But three _hours?_ Sasuke, if that creep tried anything while his other hand was busy synching, you can tell me. I'll kick his ass!

Sasuke: …

Shino: … is there something on your fingernail?

Naruto: Oh, don't you _dare_ start!

---

Shino: Has everyone else already arrived at the cabin?

Sakura: Yeah. Well, the Hyuugas should be there. Ino, Chouji and Shikamaru are arriving around the time we are.

Naruto: You mean hours and hours _before_ we are, now that we're _late. _And I think Shino and Sasuke should sit farther apart.

Sakura: Whatever. Shut up.

Shino: We can't really sit much farther.

Kiba: Actually, Chouji's setting up a gallery and Shikamaru is staying for 'moral support.'

Naruto: Yeah, you could sit on the bags with the dog. And whaddya mean, they're not coming?

Kiba: Ino's coming a day later than planned, but no, the other two are staying behind.

Naruto: That's really lame.

Kiba: You're really lame. But no, I heard Hinata's invited one of her coworkers.

Sakura: Oh, who? I might know them.

Kiba: He had a weird name like yawn or sigh or something.

Sakura: Sai?

Kiba: Probably.

Sakura: Oh, goody. The grapevine says he's a looker.

Naruto: Wait, wait, wait. _Sai_? _The_ Sai? Can I ask you _why_ she invited _him?_

Kiba: She said 'He's a good guy, deep down.'

Naruto: Whoa, you actually sounded like her. But why _Sai?_

Sakura: Do you know him?

Naruto: No, but Sasuke met him once.

Kiba: Oh. _Oh._ So that's how it is.

Naruto: Yeah, he kept trying to get ahold of Sasuke's dick size.

Sasuke: Naruto, that's enough.

Kiba: He tried to hold Sasuke's dick? That's creepy.

Shino: Who wants to hold Sasuke's dick?

Sakura: What are you saying about me?

Naruto: No! That's not –

Sasuke: I swear to fucking god, if you guys don't shut up I'm accelerating into the wrong side of the next intersection and fucking killing you _all._

---

Sasuke: Naruto, I need you to lookk at the map for me and find out where we are.

Naruto: You don't know where we are? But Sasuke, you're driving!

Sasuke: Look at the fucking map and see if we turn off at the next intersection. _Hello?_

Naruto: Yeah, yeah. I'm looking. Hey, there's a street called 'Hickey Boulevard.'

Sasuke: _Naruto!_

NarutoL I don't know where we are! If you don't know where we are, how can I? Wait, why are we stopping? We just _got_ gas.

Sasuke: Out.

Naruto: Wha-?

Sasuke: _Out!_ I want Kiba up here.

Naruto: … but Akamaru's back there.

Sasuke: I don't _care._ Kiba! _Turn off the iPod and move up._ You're navigating.

Kiba: Huh? Oh, okay. Alright, so what's the problem? Oh, that's easy. Just keep left and you'll be fine.

Sakura: There, there, Naruto. No need to take it so hard. Here, there's tissues under the tent.

~*~

Kiba: Turn left. Here!

Sasuke: There _isn't a road there_!

Kiba: Trust me, _turn left._

Sasuke: Godfuckingdamned_shit_.

Naruto: Crap, is that grass?

Shino: It's for cleaning the car.

Sasuke: Oh ha, ha. Everyone shut up. Kiba, when we get there I'm firing you as the GPS system.

Kiba: Alright, whatever man. In about ten minutes we're coming up to a fork in the road –

Sasuke: _What road._

Kiba – and we need to take a _right._

Naruto: But be careful not to run over it on the way or we might get a flat.

Sasuke: _What?_

Sakura: Not funny, Naruto.

Naruto: No sense of humor, any of you!

Shino: It was very punny.

Kiba: Yes, punny. Could we all shut up now? Sasuke, whatever you do don't stop the car. We need to keep up the momentum if we're going to make the hill.

Sasuke: Fuck you, you could have said that _before._

Kiba: I didn't want to stress you out.

Sasuke: How much more could it _possibly_ stress me out?

Naruto: What was that banging noise?

Sakura: Um guys… it's getting really dark out.

Sasuke: I think that was the transmission.

Kiba: Crap. Come on, little van, you can do it!

Sasuke: _Please_ say you had the car serviced before we left.

Kiba: Naruto?

Naruto: Um, no?

Sasuke: I should kill you all now and save myself the prolonged suffering.

---

Kiba: Hey guys, I see the cabin. And Hinata – hey Hinata!

Sasuke: He's hallucinating.

Kiba: Hurry up, Sasuke, step on it! Oh god, it's beautiful. It's just past that field.

Sasuke: Kiba, there is no field.

Shino: So this is cabin fever.

Naruto: Trippy. It's like a glitch in the Matrix.

Sakura: Such awe, Naruto. Like this doesn't happen every other Wednesday.


End file.
